“Is my daughter coming?” “Where am I supposed to be?” “I need to go home.”
When someone you love is living with dementia, it’s not unusual to hear the same question over and over — or to see them pacing, rocking or calling out, no matter how many times you try to redirect them.
These repeated behaviors can be exhausting and even distressing. But how you respond can make them easier on everyone.
Dementia expert Lisa Wasson, RN, CHPN, CMDCP, HopeHealth’s community nurse educator, explains.
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What causes repetitive behaviors in dementia?
When a person isn’t able to communicate — or in many cases, even understand what they’re feeling — their body finds another outlet. For a person living with dementia, repetitive behaviors are how the brain copes with stress, overstimulation or some unmet need.
“Even if the repetitive behavior is disruptive or difficult for you, the person is doing it to try to calm themselves, or communicate something,” says Lisa.
This is especially common during sundowning, a period of mental fatigue that tends to hit in the late afternoon or early evening.
“When a person who is living with dementia wakes in the morning, their brain is already working so much harder than ours — just to do basic things like get dressed or eat breakfast,” Lisa says. “It’s no wonder that by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, their brain has reached its limit.”
For some, the result is verbal repetition. For others, it might be pacing, rocking, yelling or trying to leave.
These are self-soothing strategies, much like how many of us reach for a snack or scroll social media when we hit an afternoon slump. The difference is that people living with dementia don’t have the same tools to reset.
> Read: Support for the dementia journey: 4 programs for patients and caregivers
What NOT to say to repetitive questions: “You already asked me that.”
If you’re on the receiving end of a repetitive question, it may feel pointless to answer over and over again. But in fact, it helps the person who is living with dementia. Try to respond with patience every time — even if it means addressing the same question 20 times in a row.
“Their brain is failing. Yours isn’t,” Lisa says gently. “They’re asking because they truly don’t remember. Saying, ‘Don’t you remember?’ only reminds them that their brain doesn’t work properly anymore, which is more upsetting.”
Instead, offer calm reassurance. You don’t have to use the exact same words. Mix it up if that helps you stay grounded — for example, “She’ll be here after dinner, just like yesterday,” or “You’re really looking forward to seeing her, aren’t you?” Each response helps.
“Every time they ask, they need you to answer again. Because every time you answer, you calm their nervous system just a little bit,” says Lisa.
> Read: 6 tips for communicating with someone with dementia
How to help: Proactive strategies
You may not be able to stop repetitive behaviors, but you can often reduce their frequency and intensity.
Try these approaches:
1. Plan rest into the day.
Repetition tends to ramp up when the brain is overstimulated and overtired. To protect against that, build quiet, low-demand time into your loved one’s routine: no tasks, no questions, no instructions. Even 15 to 30 minutes in a calm environment can help delay or ease repetitive behaviors.
“Rest is an important activity for people who are living with dementia,” Lisa says. “Not necessarily a nap — just mental rest. That alone can reduce the intensity of sundowning and repetitive behaviors.”
2. Look for unmet needs.
Repetition is often the only way a person can let you know something is wrong — especially when they don’t have the words.
“Dementia affects the language center of the brain, and it steals nouns first,” says Lisa. “So a person with dementia may not be able to say, ‘My shoe is too tight’ — they just keep pulling it off. You have to be a detective.”
Common unmet needs to check for:
- Hunger or thirst: Do they need a snack or drink?
- Bathroom needs: Do they need the restroom, or did they already go?
- Discomfort: Are their shoes too tight? Is there a wrinkle in the sheets? Could they be constipated or itchy?
- Environmental factors: Is it too hot, cold, loud, bright or boring? Did they just sit next to someone they don’t like?
- Emotional distress: Are they anxious, afraid or overstimulated?
“Repetition is communication,” Lisa says. “The person with dementia is telling you something. You just have to figure out what.”
3. Remember: Redirection often isn’t enough.
Redirection is often one of the first strategies caregivers are taught for dementia-related behaviors, and with good reason. In the short term, it helps shift the person’s focus away from distress and onto something more soothing or engaging, like a favorite activity.
But it’s important to remember: Redirection can help in the moment, but it’s rarely a lasting solution. If the root issue isn’t addressed, the behavior will return.
“You distracted the person living with dementia, but you didn’t fix the problem,” Lisa says. “That’s why they go back to the door, or back to the question. If the underlying issue hasn’t been addressed, they’ll return to the behavior.”
> Want more ideas and support? Join a virtual dementia caregiver support group.
Real-life example: “I have to pick up the kids”
Lisa recalls a man in memory care who grew restless every day around 2:30 p.m. He paced the halls, tried to open doors, and couldn’t be redirected.
Eventually, staff learned he’d been a school bus driver. For decades, he’d picked up children at that exact time of day. His body remembered — even if his mind couldn’t explain.
So the care team got creative. They painted a school bus on the wall in a quiet area, and set up a bench in front of it. Each afternoon, they brought him to “the bus stop.” He would sit there, content, until the internal need passed. The repetitive behaviors stopped.
“He would sit there for an hour, calm as could be,” Lisa said. “Then he was able to go about his day.”
Final thoughts for caregivers
Repetitive behaviors in dementia are not about attention-seeking or being difficult. They’re a person’s best attempt to make sense of a world that no longer works the way it used to.
“A person living with dementia is not giving us a hard time — they’re having a hard time,” says Lisa. “As long as they’re not injuring themselves or hurting someone else, then we don’t have to stop the behavior. Instead, we have to find out what caused it in the first place.”
And every time we respond with kindness and patience, we make their dementia journey a little easier.